In a damning condemnation of the not so beautiful game, a group of MPs have pointed out that football fans are still a bunch of racist homophobes.
Despite football stadiums being filled with good middle class bankers (it’s an easy rhyme), a report published last week by the DCMS select committee highlighted ‘continuing concerns’ about levels of racism in football.
Specifically it highlighted incidents such as Suarez’s Uruguayan greeting and Terry’s clarification of what he defiantly didn’t say.
Terry, when asked what he thought of the report allegedly said, “I didn’t say that I think it is a load PC bullshit written by a bunch of ageing middle class MPs who haven’t stepped foot in a stadium in their entire fucking lives. This is beyond worthless”.
In an effort to point out the blindingly obvious though, the report went on to state that things had improved dramatically since the 1970s and 80s when ‘racist abuse was common‘. The MPs reportedly watched Elijah Wood’s depiction of a football hooligan in ‘Green Street’ in extra slow motion to gain an understanding of ‘what it was all about’.
In a move to tackle this problem the report suggests that more ethnic minorities should take up one of the most detested positions in the modern game – the referee. A footballing psychologist who wished to not be named stated, “By focusing the unwavering never ending mindless hatred that spills from football fans mouths, we hope to focus their little minds on simply hating positions of authority – not the skin colour of the man, or *smirk* women”.
In addition to all the racist bullshit in football the report also pointed out that fans didn’t really like gays either. Heterosexual Graham Le Saux declined to comment in any publication other than the Guardian where Robbie ‘the bully’ Fowler wouldn’t read his comments.
Even though no footballer is, or ever will be gay, some people who drive to games in BMWs think that the stands should be welcoming of ‘gayers’ as long as they don’t stand too close to them…or their children. Patrick from North London said, “I agree with the report, we need to make stadiums more family friendly and welcoming to the gays. Maybe we should have a gay seating area opposite the family seating area”.
Sat in a dusty room just off a cobweb filled corridor somewhere in the House of Commons the chair of the committee John Whittingdale MP said, “We heard evidence that ‘social media’ has become a tool for the spread of racist and abusive content but it is also a potential means of combating the ignorance and prejudice that lie behind such behaviour”. It is purported that the FA are considering joining a ‘World Wide Web’ of people – a system that would enable them to not comment to millions of people.
Clive Efford who is apparently the shadow minister for sport, blandly repeated the executive summary of the report saying, “we can never be complacent when it comes to any form of discrimination whether it is racism, religious hatred or homophobia”. Everyone everywhere responded saying, “no shit, find a new bandwagon on which to jump”.
When contacted Paolo Di Canio was unavailable for comment.